Pain
by SBNH13
Summary: "Cosima and Delphine lay facing each other, tangled together, naked in bed after a long night of making love." "It's been two months, since… since that damn day you were taken from us. " One-shot told from past and present POVs. Cophine, rated T for language TW: character death


**AN: This is a very angsty one-shot. The parts told in third person are in the past and the parts written in first person are Delphine's POV written in the present. WARNING- character death. I would love to hear your thoughts about this, both good and bad :) also I really didn't know what to name this so sorry if the name sucks. **

* * *

Cosima and Delphine lay facing each other, tangled together, naked in bed after a long night of making love. "Happy anniversary ma cherie," whispered Delphine in Cosima's ear.

"You too babe. I love you so much." Cosima told her back quietly.

"I want to have a baby," Delphine suddenly said. Cosima said nothing for a minute, not knowing what to reply.

Then a giant smile broke out on her face, "okay. Yes, of course" she kissed Delphine, putting all the love she could into it.

* * *

It's been two months, since… since that damn day you were taken from us. I can hear the baby crying from the other room. I don't know what to do, my body won't listen to me. I've been laying here for what seems like forever just hearing him cry.

My body doesn't listen to me much anymore, it feels like it's lost all it's power. Like a lamp whose power cord was cut from it and just can't do anymore and is pretty much useless. You were my power cord, you gave me the ability to be bright and gave meaning to my life. Without you I'm nothing.

My legs finally listened to me. I'm staring at our little boy and I can't believe how much he looks like you. The sperm donor we chose was absolutely perfect. He even had dreads. Do you remember when we chose him?

* * *

"I'm carrying the baby. We know your body can't do that, so I'll do it this time. Maybe you'll be able to next time." Delphine gently told Cosima and kissed her forehead.

"Yeah, you're right. I just want him to look like me. I don't want to look at him and see someone that isn't you or me." Cosima voiced her fears.

"Look at this one. He has brown eyes and hair, he's only a bit taller than you, and, LOOK! He even has dreads!" Delphine pointed to a picture of a young man around the age of 26 who greatly resembled Cosima.

"Yeah, I guess he could work." Cosima said a bit sadly. She wished she could have the baby with Delphine. But she knew that technology wasn't developed enough yet and didn't want to risk any problems that could happen to Delphine or their future child.

"I know you want to be biologically related to our child, but remember Cos, that's not what's important. What's important is that you will raise them and be their mom just as much as I am." Delphine explained to Cosima to try and calm her. She felt her relax and planted a kiss on the brunettes head.

* * *

He turned one today. Your sisters all came over to celebrate. I tried to be happy, I really did, but it's just too hard. I miss you so much.

I can barely look at them sometimes, they all remind me of you so much. It physically hurts at times when I see Alison with her kids and know I'll never see you like that with our little boy.

It's getting a bit easier, I cry less and so does he. But some days I can barely move and I know, I fucking know, that if it weren't for him, I would be with you right now. I would do anything to be with you, to return to the warm feeling of your arms around me, your soft lips all over me, but most importantly your smile that always brightened my day.

"Okay ladies, here is your baby!" Said the doctor, turning the screen towards Cosima and Delphine. There, on the monitor, was a tiny blob that was their child.

"Oh my god" said Cosima, "that's our baby." She covered her mouth, barely containing tears of happiness.

"Everything looks great, I can get you a picture if you want?" Asked the doctor.

"Yes please" Cosima answered her. The doctor nodded, pressed a few buttons and left the room to get the picture.

"Babe, are you okay?" Cosima asked Delphine. She hadn't said anything since she saw their baby on the screen.

"I love you so much." Was all the blonde could say.

Cosima let a few tears flow and a giant smile spread across her face.

"You're so beautiful" she said.

* * *

He's walking and talking like a big boy now. I can't believe how much time has passed and how old he's gotten. He's almost three.

You would've loved him so much.

I've been teaching him anything and everything he could understand about science at his age.

He already knows where the DNA goes on a cell and even "all that other junk" like you used to say.

It's still hard at nights. I look at our picture on my bedside table and can't help but not cry and wish you were there with me. Holding me and telling me it's going to be okay and I will stop feeling all this pain one day.

I'm scared that I'm forgetting you. Well not you, but little details. Thank god for pictures and videos huh? I watch the video you made me that day almost every night.

* * *

"Hey babe. I love you so much." Cosima said to the video camera. "I know you think I'm sleeping, but I had to make this now, I don't want it to be too late..." Cosima trailed off.

She was pale. Her lips were chapped and dry and where she once had dreadlocks was now devoid of any hair.

"I... You... Our baby's gonna be here soon. You're so beautiful pregnant. You know how they say women glow? Well I know how true that is now. I know you're sad and not handling me being sick well, but you're still radiating and I've never seen you look more amazing." Noise could be heard in the background, plates and silverware clanking together.

"You're making us lunch now and I can't wait till you come up here to call me to eat. You're gonna quietly walk in, place a small kiss on my forehead, cheek, nose and finally my lips and whisper to me how much you love me and that it's time to wake up. I'm usually awake for this, you know. It's my favorite part of the day." Footsteps coming towards the room were overheard. Cosima looked to the door then back at the camera. She got up and moved towards it.

"You're coming now. I'm gonna get in bed and prepare for my beautiful wife to "wake me up". I love you so much, I always will. Never forget that." And the screen went dark.

* * *

He started school today. He was so excited. You wouldn't believe how much he loves to learn. Ma cheri, I don't know how, but somehow I was able to raise the best little boy in the world.

He still reminds me so much of you whenever I look at him. He's watched so many videos of you, I think it made him get your perfect smile if that's even possible. He asks about you a lot. I always answer to the best of my ability but some questions are just too hard to think about.

I miss you so much sometimes. But it's gotten better. I rarely cry now, almost only on your birthday and that dreaded date I don't even want to remember. Are you proud of me? Am I doing okay with our boy? I wish you were here to help me. Sometimes I don't know what to do. I call Alison or Sarah for help every once in a while. It's easier to be around them now. I found all the differences between you and them, I try to focus on those instead of the similarities.

I love you so, so much. Our little boy loves you too. He always tells you a little story about his day before he goes to sleep. Do you hear it? I hope you do.

I miss you.


End file.
